Galaxianista

It has taken a lot of willpower for me to write this. Something that has given me a lot of grief for a long time.  There's a risk my parents might read this, but if they do, I hope they read it carefully, and try to understand. 

When I created this account 4 years ago, I was a female.  It was what everyone told me, my whole life.  It was what I told myself in front of the mirror, constantly rationalizing that it had to be correct.  But there was something incredibly wrong with that, and I couldn't quite figure it out. All my life I've felt like I was only playing as myself, like an actor in a costume.  An uncomfortable costume that I had to put on every day.  I dreaded seeing photographs of myself.  People's eyes would scorch my skin as they looked at me.  I was hyper-aware of how how much I failed at fitting in among other girls.  My own name tasted bitter whenever I spoke it. I figured I was merely another victim of dysmorphia and anxiety. It was just a condition that could go away with a little self-confidence and positive feelings, perhaps some medication.

It only got worse after puberty hit. I spent many nights crying because of how much I dreaded what I would turn into.  I think my own body dreaded it too, because it started it late and practically gave up halfway through.  Most people confuse me for a child even today.  For years I was ashamed at how flat and angular I was, but only because society expected me to be a certain shape befitting of my sex; on a personal level, I was relieved.  It brought me a little satisfaction that puberty had passed over like a hurricane yet hardly did anything.  Still, I hated the entire ordeal, and how disgusting I felt 24/7.  I decided to force my feelings down and focus on schoolwork instead.

I can't quite pinpoint the first time I imagined myself as a man. Perhaps it was when I'd roleplay with my sister when we were young kids; she was The Queen, and I was The Guard.  Maybe it was when I daydreamed about being a stag, around the age of 5. Regardless, it has always been persistent.  I started to project myself onto various male video game and tv show characters, and dream about becoming them.  Online, I developed a habit of disguising myself with a male name and profile.  It felt exciting, and rather comforting.  Whenever someone calls me a "he" I smile just a little. This is actually my only profile where I specify a female gender, because my parents are aware of it.  Funnily enough, it's here where I feel like I'm pretending.  I have to wear the costume and put on the mask and be the good daughter my parents want me to be, like I do in real life.  And maybe I could make it through life wearing the mask, stumbling along awkwardly.  I could play the part, and perhaps be successful, and die as I was born, a girl.  But underneath it all, I'd be crying out to be my true self.

I am tired of this pretending, and trying to fit a mold I was never suited for.  I want a body that matches my mind.  I want a new name that sounds like music to my ears.  I want people to know I'm a boy.  Maybe I'll never be able to convince everyone, and my life may become much, much more difficult, but at least I won't be living a farce. I only fear that I will destroy my relationship with my parents; they believe people like me are delusional and a little bit repulsive.  It saddens me that one day I'll have to cut myself off from them, forever.

Contest CLOSED!

Pre-Owned Dragon Contest!
Over 3000 points and CORE up for grabs!
I wrote a brief comedic fantasy sales pitch about a used dragon dealer trying to sell a suped-up draco-lich. I am looking for some cool art to illustrate the tale.  Sure, I could have just commissioned somebody, but where’s the fun in that? So I figured what better way to drum up some interest than by hosting A CONTEST! That’s right everybody, my very first personal contest has finally arrived!

Read the salesman's pitch (the story) and get inspired!  I deliberately left many of the details open to the imagination.  The thing that is most important is that your work feature a mostly black undead dragon.  Additional consideration will be given for added details like the salespe There's this really cool contest being held by Barosus   annnd yeah y'all probably guessed I'll be joining it    The prizes are thousands of points, art, features, and Core membership!! All you gotta do is draw an epic  d r a g o n  (yessss)